


you and i are so damn dysfunctional

by wontstoptillsurrender



Category: Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Fluff, Love/Hate, M/M, Tomlinshaw - Freeform, based on nick wearing the louis jacket to david beckhams party, i cant write smut, im sorry, im trash, its still painfully cute, kind of rush but whatever man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 12:14:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1648274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wontstoptillsurrender/pseuds/wontstoptillsurrender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>To: Grimshart [ 7:32 am]</strong> <br/><em>You should be thankful for me listening since you need all the viewers you can get! And I’m not even mad that I wasn’t invited. As soon as I found out that you were going to be there I wasn’t planning on going. Also, how did a D-List celebrity get into David Beckham’s party? Pretty sure you had to suck some dick to get your way in there. :\</em></p><p> </p><p><strong>From: Grimshart [ 7:38 am]</strong> <br/><em>You humor me popstar. And yeah I sucked David Beckham’s dick to get into his party! Don’t get too jealous love, we all know that he’s been in your wank bank since the age of seven. </em></p><p> </p><p>Nick wears his 'Louis' jacket to David Beckham's party. The rest is just them being a mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you and i are so damn dysfunctional

**Author's Note:**

> hii this is my first time writing tomlinshaw so i hope i did okay. i saw the picture of nick at david beckham's party wearing his 'Louis' jacket and literally started screaming. then i saw a tumblr post of what supposly nick and matt said on the show about it so i decided to transform it into a fic. i hope u enjoy  
> (btw i cant write smut so i just stuck with a blowjob i'm sorry) 
> 
> twitter: @nohomolilo  
> tumblr: louistftnick.tumblr.com

Louis' day was actually going pretty well at first.

He had woken up; Made himself a nice cuppa of Yorkshire tea; Wore his comfy plaid pajamas while eating breakfast and standing at the counter window looking out at the beautiful sunrise; Managed to not burn his breakfast; and all while looking forward to his free day off. 

So, it sort of sucks that when Louis is listening to Nick's radio show, he hears Nick mentioning him and getting brave like he’s about to fight. 

Normally on any given day, Louis wouldn't dare turn on Nick's show and listen to his disgusting, annoying, and obnoxious voice. He had felt a little bit spontaneous today. Clearly, he's now regretting that choice. 

“What are you doing Finch? I’ve never called you Finch.” Nick’s voice says, filling the quietness of Louis’ kitchen. 

“I’m looking at photos of you last night at David Beckham’s party, Grimmy.” Matt replied back. 

Louis remembered Niall and Liam mentioning to him a couple days back about David Beckham throwing a party for something new he was launching. He sadly wasn’t invited, which devastated him at first, but then he found out Nick was invited and he almost felt _thankful_ that he wasn’t.

“That’s the party I remained very sober at. One Direction was there.” Nick says, failing to make a good joke. I guess when you’re that old it takes your brain longer to make a quality joke (Louis keeps that comeback in the back of his mind for the next time he sees Nick.) 

Ian gets on the mic, “ You can go report that and then go back to bed.” 

Nick’s laugh fills the empty kitchen once again. “If anyone didn’t notice, I wore my ‘Louis’ jacket last night. It honored my favorite member of One Direction. It was embarrassing since Niall was there.” 

Louis cocks his head to the side and looks over at his radio because what the actual fuck? He doesn’t actually believe Nick wore it so he pulls out one of his many iPhones and googles ‘Nick Grimshaw David Beckham party’ (He plans on clearing his history soon after. He wouldn’t be caught dead googling shit about Nick.) 

And sure enough, there are pictures of Nick and Niall (“Traitor” Louis mutters to himself.) In these pictures, Nick is wearing a bright red jacket that has the name ‘Louis’ sewed onto the right hand pocket. Louis saves the picture onto his phone and quickly deletes his history. 

Louis is going to fucking murder this fucking twat looking rat son of a bitch. 

He hears Matt’s voice speak again, “Well Niall is the best member in the band.” Louis refrains from rolling his eyes. 

He wants to hear what Nick says after that but at this point he’s so done. He walks over to his radio player and turns [slams] it off. He’s already done with the day and it’s only seven AM. Thanks Nick. 

He’s now standing in the middle of his kitchen aggravated, annoyed, and slightly amused. I mean, yeah Nick was acting brave and acting like he was about to do shit, but it’s the thought that counts, right? Louis honestly thinks he’s becoming fucking crazy. Someone must have spiked his tea with some crazy party drug shit. He then remembers that he’s home alone. 

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with him? 

He debates with himself on whether or not he should text Nick about this situation, in fear of him broadcasting it Live to all of London. 

“Oh, fuck it.” He thinks as he pulls out Nick’s number labeled _‘Grimshart’_

**To: Grimshart [ 7:25 am]**  
 _You got the nerve to act brave when you knew good and damn well I wouldn’t be there. Thanks for giving me attention though! Means a lot that you think about me when it’s not necessary. x_

Louis’ thumb is shaking when he hits the send button. He pulls out one of the kitchen’s chairs to sit and wait for a reply.

He gets a reply back about three minutes later saying:

 **From: Grimshart [ 7:28 am]**  
 _Good morning to you too popstar! So glad that you could tune into my radio show this morning! I love it when you listen, it gives me more listeners. Anyways sweetheart, I didn’t even know that you weren’t going to be at the event. I only later found out that you weren’t invited. Ouch! Your favorite footie player didn’t invite you, but he did the other members. :\_

At this point Louis is fucking fuming. How fucking dare Nick act like he’s on some superior level that’s higher than Louis. Nick wishes he was a A-List celebrity and not some radio show host D-List.

Louis quickly types back a response:

 **To: Grimshart [ 7:32 am]**  
 _You should be thankful for me listening since you need all the viewers you can get! And I’m not even mad that I wasn’t invited. As soon as I found out that you were going to be there I wasn’t planning on going. Also, how did a D-List celebrity get into David Beckham’s party? Pretty sure you had to suck some dick to get your way in there. :\_

After Louis hits the send button he feels like high-fiving himself. His last comeback was so damn good and so damn true. Nick is a fucking twat who needs more listeners and had to suck dick into party. Simple as that. 

His phone buzzed again, the name “Grimshart” showing on the lockscreen. 

**From: Grimshart [ 7:38 am]**  
 _You humor me popstar. And yeah I sucked David Beckham’s dick to get into his party! Don’t get too jealous love, we all know that he’s been in your wank bank since the age of seven._

Louis throws his phone across the kitchen. It flys somewhere near the living room wall. He hopes it breaks into a thousand little pieces. 

In sake of his well being and mental health he decides not to reply back. 

 

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

A couple weeks later Louis accompanies Harry to one of his hipster friend’s parties. That’s where he sees Nick for the first time after the ‘situation’. 

He’s standing over in the back, playing on his phone by himself. “Loner.” Louis thinks. 

Nick looks up directly at Louis and smiles. Louis has to turn around because at first he doesn’t think Nick is smiling a genuine smile at him. He turns around and sees no one is in his path. Huh?

Louis doesn’t return the smile, instead he walks over to the refreshments area and gets a drink. It’s going to be a long night. 

“Glad you could make it, popstar.” Nick whispers into Louis’ ear. 

Louis whips around from the table and looks up at Nick. He’s wearing a buttoned up shirt paired along with some blazer that he doesn’t know the brand of. It’s probably from the trash. 

“Well” Louis starts out, taking a sip of his drink. “Harry asked me to tag along. I didn’t really want to say no to his puppy dog eyes. They’re too hard to resist.” He trys to remain as mature and casual as possible. If they really need to fight it out they’ll go in the street like hoodrats and do it. That way he can show Nick that if he’s gonna act brave, then there’s going to be consequences. 

Nick nods his head, acting like he knows what Louis means. “You never texted me back. Does that mean I won the argument?” He says smirking.

Of course Nick would bring it up. 

Louis rolls his eyes. “The only thing you won was the award for being the biggest twat.” 

Nick grins and leans in closer. “Then how do i get my reward princess?” Nick says, whispering in his ear. 

And _fuck._

Louis is slightly turned on from the way Nick’s breath is hot in his ear and how the sudden sexual tension between them is almost unbearable. 

Louis steps away quickly and clears his throat. 

“Uhm,” He says nervously. “I’m gonna go find Harry.” 

Louis doesn’t go and find Harry. Instead he goes out on whoever’s back porch it is and sits on their porch swing bench that’s hanging from the deck. It’s kind of relaxing how he’s swaying back and forth along with the clear night sky. The stars are bright and prominent even with the London city lights. 

He feels weight on the bench next to him.

Nick. 

Nick doesn’t say anything. He just sits there, acting like Louis isn’t even there. He reaches in his back pocket and pulls out a fag. 

Louis is looking at him and that’s when he realizes that he’s kind of beautiful. 

The way his face is defined and aligned with a minimal amount of stubble and how his hair always manages to stay in a perfect quiff and how he lips make the perfect ‘o’ shape around the fag that he’s currently smoking and suddenly Louis has the urge to take a hit from it and kiss the smoke from his mouth and breathe it all in. 

Louis is absolutely and positively delusional. 

Nick notices Louis staring and takes the fag out of his mouth and offers it to him. Louis gladly accepts the gesture and takes a hit. He closes his eyes and trys to relax. He blocks out the busy traffic roaring even at midnight and pictures the night sky and the stars. He opens his eyes and sees Nick looking at him. 

“Kiss me.” Nick says. 

Louis kisses him. 

The kiss is soft and sweet, which is something that you wouldn’t expect from both Nick and Louis since they both almost always have the urge to kill each other. 

Nick’s lips fit almost wonderful with Louis’. They’re a little bit more thinner but more larger than his. Louis’ lips are smaller but yet more plump. It’s almost like two puzzle pieces fitting together. Almost. 

Nick turns himself more towards Louis so that he can get a better angle. He brings his right hand up to caress Louis’ cheek. Louis’ face is almost exactly like a Barbie. His face is defined and acne free with soft baby-like skin. Nick is in love with the moment and how perfect it is.

Louis scoots himself closer as well, making the kiss deeper than it was before. He’s basically almost in Nick’s lap, so Nicks giant-like hands grab Louis’ soft and delicious bum and pull him into his lap. Louis puts his arms around Nick’s neck, almost like a child begging for more. Nick bites Louis’ bottom lip and pulls on it once more before pulling away. 

Louis pulls away and his eyes flutter open. 

They’re both looking at each other. 

Then they start giggling. 

_Giggling._

“Oh my God” Louis says his mouth muffled by Nick’s blazer. “I fucking hate you.” 

Nick grins and presses a kiss onto Louis’ cheek. “I fucking hate you too.” 

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

 

The next morning when Louis wakes up he thinks he imagined the whole night. 

It really didn't seem real. 

He knows he wasn’t hungover, because he doesn’t have a raging headache, and he knows that it wasn’t a dream, because he can still feel the delicate touch of Nick’s lips on his. 

He brings his finger up to touch his lips, grazing past where Nick’s were not too long ago. 

“What a fucking dickhead” He mutters to himself. 

He gets up out of bed to go make himself some Yorkshire tea and think about what possessed him into kissing Nick and actually _enjoying_ it. 

Don’t get Louis wrong, he still hates Nick with a passion...but he’s also kind of into him? 

He doesn’t like him. Not at all. Obviously. 

Louis doesn’t like rat looking bitches. 

(He’s only into them.) 

He wishes he had someone to talk to about the whole situation. He can’t tell Harry because then Harry is going to start teasing Louis about him having a crush on Nick and try to get them together. He doesn’t want to date a fucking twat. So there goes that option. 

He decides on telling no one and ignoring Nick. I mean, that’s what he’s always done unless he sees him hanging out with Harry. Then they’ll say a few rude comments and bicker back and forth until Harry has to separate the two of them. Other than that, he thinks the ignoring thing will work fine. 

That is until he gets a text message from _‘Grimshart’_

He decides not to open the text. To just block Nick’s number and act like he never had it in the first place. 

He gets his tea and sits at the table, letting the sunlight escape in through the window. He looks at his phone that’s laying on the opposite side of the table. 

After about five minutes of sneaking glances back and forth at his phone that still has Nick’s unread message, he gives into temptation. 

He leans over and grabs the phone. He unlocks it and looks at the red notification popping up at the message app. 

He quickly clicks the app and goes to Nick’s contact. 

**From: Grimshart [ 9:45 AM]**  
 _Good morning popstar. Sleep well? x_

Louis’ heart slightly flutters at the ‘x’ tacked on at the end of the message. 

He types out a reply:

**To: Grimshart [ 9:48 AM]**  
 _Good morning rat. I slept fine._

He trys to stay casual, talking as if last night never happens. He still hates Nick. A lot. 

His ringtone makes a noise again: 

**From: Grimshart [ 9:50 AM]**  
 _No kisses back? Darling, you’ve wounded me. :(_

Louis rolls his eyes. 

**To: Grimshart [ 9:52 AM]**  
 _Think you got enough last night. BTW I hate you._

He bites his lips, nervous about sending the risk text. He told himself that he wouldn’t bring up the elephant in the room, but he just can’t help it. It’s too good of a comeback. 

He goes ahead and hits the send button before he regrets his decision. 

**From: Grimshart [ 9:55 AM]**  
 _By how eager you were last night, I’d think that you’d want more. :\ ___

__Louis almosts chokes on his tea when he sees Nick’s reply._ _

__Louis was _not_ eager. He was just caught up in the moment. And besides, Nick’s a good kisser, so fucking what? You can’t hold that against him. _ _

__**To: Grimshart [ 10:00 AM]**  
_ Well Grimshit, if I recall, YOU were the one who told me to kiss you. I know you’re old and losing your memory, so I’ll spare you this time._

__Louis chuckles to himself as he hits the send button. He’s too clever sometimes. He sits and waits for Nick to reply but he never does._ _

__“Oh well.” He thinks. He gets up to go wash out his mug and go get ready for the day._ _

__**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_ _

__Louis runs some errands (more like go buy tons of unnecessary clothes at Topshop because he has more money than he can handle.) And then goes and stops by at Harry’s house in the mid afternoon._ _

__Louis pulls out his key that Harry had made for him and unlocks the door. He walks in and instantly smells vanilla cupcakes (Harry is obsessed with girly scents.)_ _

__“Who is it?” Harry yells from the other room._ _

__“A teenage fan who happened to break in.” Louis responds back. He walks into the living room and sees Harry lounging on the couch._ _

__“Hiii Lou. How are you?” Harry asks, looking up from some American football game that he’’s watching._ _

__“Good good. I still don’t understand why you watch American football games when you aren’t even American.” Louis says, sitting down on the couch opposite to him._ _

__“Heyyyyyyy. American football is good! Harry says. “By the way where did you run off to at Rita’s party? I felt bad for dragging you there and leaving you by yourself around people you barely know.”_ _

__Louis’ palms begin to sweat. “Uhm.” He trys to think of a quick lie that makes sense. “I just went out in the back and played around on my phone. I was fine.”_ _

__“Oh.” Harry says, suddenly frowning. “Well, none of us could find Nick or you, so we started making jokes about how you two ran off together!” Harry says, laughing._ _

__Louis’ palms start sweating even more than they were before and suddenly the room feels like it’s a hundred degrees._ _

__“What? That’s fucking disgusting. I don’t even know where Nick went.” Louis says._ _

__Harry turns to him and puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Calm down! We were just joking. We all know how much you hate each other. Like, what would the odds be that you two ran off together to go snog? Chances are zero to none.”_ _

__Louis laughs nervously. “Yeah. Zero to none.”_ _

__**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_ _

__A week before an exclusive red carpet event, followed along with a house party at some producers house, Louis orders a red jacket with the name ‘Nick’ sewed onto the right hand pocket. He’s about to get this bastard back._ _

__He walks into the party and goes straight for the refreshments. He suddenly gets a strange sensation of deja vu as a hot breath whispers in his ear, “Fancy seeing you here.”_ _

__Louis turns around and sure enough there’s Nick. He eyes him up and down. This time he’s wearing a black dress shirt paired along with a white blazer._ _

__“Are you going to admit that you’re checking me out right now, or just blame it all on me again?” Nick asks, smirking questionably._ _

__Louis rolls his eyes and turns around to pour himself a glass of wine._ _

__“Careful popstar! If you keep rolling your eyes that hard, one day they’ll get stuck!” Nick teases, getting on the right hand side of Louis to pour himself a glass of wine too._ _

__“If that meant that I wouldn’t have to see you, then thank the fucking Lord.” Louis spits back, making his way towards the stairs. He’s trying to get Nick to hop of his dick and go bother someone else. He’s also slightly hurt that Nick didn’t notice his jacket yet._ _

__And sure enough Nick says, “Nice jacket darling! My name on your clothing makes me feel almost like I have a sense of power over you. It’s thrilling.” He teases, following quickly behind Louis._ _

__Louis spins around on his heels. “Stop following me around Nick, your pussy is way too dry to be riding my dick like this.”_ _

__Nick chuckles, “Quoting Rihanna because you have nothing else to say. Well played Tomlinson, but I’m pretty sure you would love to be riding my dick.”_ _

__Louis laughs._ _

__Like fucking LOL, laughing out loud, laughs._ _

__“Never in my fucking life.” Louis says, stepping closer._ _

__Nick takes a step even closer,”Wanna bet sweetheart? Always knew you loved riding cock, could tell when I first met you and saw that you had the arse for it.”_ _

__And _fuck_ , here we go again. _ _

__The room feels like it’s spinning and overheated with sexual tension and he doesn’t even know who leans in first but they’re both kissing the absolute mess out of each other in the middle of some strangers hallway and they’re gripping each other everywhere, anywhere they can, and it’s all absolutely fucking crazy._ _

__Nick guides them into the nearest bathroom and pushes Louis up against the door. Louis spins around so he’s the one in control. He leaves one last kiss onto Nick’s lips before getting on knees to undo Nick’s zipper._ _

__“I want you to do one thing: Cum directly on your name that I had sewed onto this stupid, ugly, fucking jack-” Nick cuts him off by shoving his face near his dick._ _

__Louis takes Nick’s cock and licks the tip, where precum was forming. Nick throws his head back up against the wooden door and moans. Louis pulls of his dick, “Shut the fuck up you fucking bastard, do you want the whole fucking party downstairs to hear?”_ _

__Nick response to that, is him moaning and shoving Louis right back near his dick. Louis licks his cock, making sure to get every inch, before he takes it all in his mouth to start sucking._ _

__Louis’ mouth forms the perfect ‘o’ shape around Nick’s dick. He brings his hand up to his cock to help the process sped up. Nick looks down at Louis and his red puffy lips that are currently sucking his cock. Louis’ ocean blue eyes are fixed onto Nick’s and admiring how his head is thrown back against the wall and how his adams apple moves as he keeps moaning._ _

__“Fuck Fuc- I’m gonna cum.” Nick moans, tugging on Louis’ hair._ _

__Louis pulls off and starts jerking him off. “Make sure you aim for your name, grandpa.”_ _

__Nick manages to roll his eyes even in his currently blissful state. He cums directly on his name that’s sewed onto Louis’ jacket and Louis is actually pretty damn proud that Nick managed to do _something_ right. _ _

__Nick tugs himself back in and pulls his zipper back up. “Well princess, that was one of the best blowjobs I’ve ever received.”_ _

__Louis trys not to feel proud. He should be feeling guilty and dirty because he just gave this half ass rat a blowjob, but instead he feels proud and happy and turned on from it all. Jesus Christ._ _

__“Yeah, well, no biggie.” Louis says._ _

__“So does this mean that you’ll finally admit that you like me or are you going to continue to be delusional?” Nick asks. He’s smirking now and there’s something about it that’s so damn cute and Louis is, once again, being delusional.  
“Well, it’s now or never.” Louis thinks. _ _

__“You’re a pain in the arse, you’re a filthy hipster who probably secretly listens to the top 40, you act like you’re an A-List celebrity when actually you’re a D-List, you use people for fame and you think you’re the absolute shit” Louis starts out, “But, you’re hot and sometimes kind of cute, and you really do play good music at times, and you’re a really good friend to Harry, and even though you’re such a fucking little shit, I sorta kinda like you.”_ _

__Nick’s smirk turns into a genuine smile. “Good.” He says “Because I sorta kinda like you too, you little shit.”_ _

__**xxxxxxxxxxx**_ _

__The next morning Louis is up around the same time he was the previous day. He’s sitting in his kitchen listening to Nick’s show while scrolling around on stuff on his phone when he hears Nick and Matt’s conversation._ _

__“So Louis Tomlinson wore the exact same jacket that you wore to David Beckham’s party a couple of weeks ago. Are you guys going to start a fashion line together?” Matt says._ _

__Nick chuckles into the microphone, “No, unfortunately we’re not. But did you see what special detail he added to his?” Nick asks._ _

__“Well I’m looking at the party pictures now and I see that on his jacket he has the name ‘Nick’ on his. Huh. Who would of guessed that Louis Tomlinson would want to match you Nick?”_ _

__Louis smiles, remembering last night. He meant for people to see the jacket, that was the whole point, to get back at Nick. But hearing people talk about him and Nick like that makes him feel...weird...in a slightly good way._ _

__“I heard he had to take off his jacket at the end of the night though, I think people said that he said that he had spilt something on it?” Matt says._ _

__Nick bursts out laughing._ _

__“What? What’s so funny Nick?” Matt asks._ _

__If Louis looks over and sees the cum stained jacket laying on the floor from where he dropped it last night and suddenly feels proud, well, he tells no one._ _

__He grabs his phone and shoots Nick a quick text saying:_ _

__**To: Grimshart [ 9:45 AM]**  
_ You’re paying for dry cleaning._

__He gets a quick response after that saying:_ _

__**From: Grimshart [ 9:47 AM]**  
_ Only if that means that I get to see you again. xx_


End file.
